"And I Quote"

Heyya friends. How the hell are you? It's been a while. That's great! Glad to hear it. Now on to the meat...


With all of the possibilities that exist for people to share themselves with other cyber-citizen, be it Facebook, Twitter, blogs or good old-fashioned emails, it's become practically de-facto that friends will end their updates with a "signature" of one inspirational quote or another. And I can dig that. Somebody somewhere in the course of human history has uttered words that cut through to the very core of your being. Words that you feel an overwhelming compulsion to send my way. A compulsion that creates images in my mind not unlike the annual ritual of the salmon what spawn.

For the most part, the quotes are taken from very reputable and historically significant figures. Albert Einstein. Robbie Burns. Bobby Vinton. The list of those that said this or that that have caused us to feel or think any number of things is endless. But the slippery slope of misquoting and/or selecting a less than savory source exists, so I offer up the following Tip on sources to avoid. You should NEVER end with:

"Words build bridges into unexplored regions." If this emanated from a scribe of great renown, say a Georgia O'Keefe, then attach with reckless abandon. The true utterer was Adolf Hitler. The jury of time has already rendered a very resounding verdict here.


"If you're going to do something, do it well." Any athlete or celebrity or 8th grade high school teacher might have said this. Anyone with superstar capabilities could drop this simple nugget and we would be forced to strive for more. But when the source is Charlie Manson, you may want to not include.

"I believe in one thing only, the power of human will." If Stephen Hawking vocoded this gem or Helen Keller signed this into a permanent etching that moves millions, go ahead. Make the font 8 zillion for all I care. But Joseph Stalin, that czar of the bizarre, is guilty of this one.

I could go on, but i won't. All's I'm saying is verify who said what before you electronically forward to me. And in the words of a yet-to-be-discovered blogiste once said, "You're Welcome".

Be It Resolved

Well another year, and another decade comes to an end. I say good riddance. 2009 was not the best year in recorded history so I vote that we just take a mulligan and start fresh. One of the time-honoured traditions to ring in any new collection of 365 is to make a series of resolutions that, as the days tick by, are completely ignored. But say you are stumped. Nothing intriguing and/or challenging has popped into your nog-logged head cavity. What to do? Fear not, oh assembled masses, for I offer up my personal plan of attack for 2010 as inspiration. Be it resolved, in no particular order, that this humble scribe:

* Promises to cut off my elegant, but ultimately distracting to my readers, beard. Hold on a minute. The beard is the source of my Useless power. If I should shorn, then I would be rendered ordinary. Never mind. The beard stays. Maybe I'll just stop waxing the chest instead.

* I swear to the almighty that I will be way less grumpy to those around. I'll wear a sunshine for a smile every day. No more grey skies for me. (For those of you reading who are now doubled over in laughter, it is you that I dislike the most)

* Seeing as I am now physically starting to resemble a healthy pear, I will make every effort to lose those extra pounds. Effective immediately, I will not be wearing clothes. Anywhere. There. Problem solved.

* As it has become a really bothersome habit, especially during weddings and funerals, I resolve to completely stop swearing. Nothing but clean language and clean living. Yes sir. I feel better already....aw fuck it. Who am I kidding?

* I resolve to find Dora, that little animated loud-mouth, and badger her at all hours of the night until she cries. "Do what I said, Dora!! Do it now!! Why aren't you doing it?! Are you hard of hearing?! Do your parents hate you?! I said do it!! Do it or I'll tell everyone about your secret, because let's be honest, that monkey ain't distracting anyone!!" And don't even get me started on that Diego bastard. I'll get him in 2011.

* And lastly, I have been far too negligent to my community, and dare I say it, the entire planet as a whole. It's time for this guy to ante up for humanity, find a cause and support it with the vim and vigour reserved only for the bravest that have tread this orb we call earth. So from here on in, your looking at the latest member of the Men Loosely United In Support Of The Right For Those That Choose, On Occasion, To Completely Ignore The Contentious Words Spewed From Your Mouth Hole. (North American Chapter 2) Plenty of chairs available at meetings so don't be shy about joining in on the fun.

That is it from me. I'm going to get hallucinogenic of past due eggnog. Merry New Year everyone, and for the final time this year, it has been an honour to say You're Welcome.

Christmas Tip #1

Ah Christmas. And come to think of it, ah all holidays that fall into this time of the calendar year. So much to celebrate. So much to be thankful for. And also a time to share ones' good fortune with others. Here's my first present to you, in an effort to warm your holiday balls.

Say you want to dress up as Santa. It may be a way for you to make a little extra coin at the local mall. That's cool. Maybe you want to entertain and/or frighten the children and unsuspecting relatives that make their way to you domicile for a celebration. Equally cool. Say you want to use this costume as a disguise to break into the neighbours' house and "borrow" their new flat screen TV. Not so cool. Trust me on this one. You don't want to spend any time behind bars dressed as St. Nick. Your cell mates have a, oh how would I put it, unique way of sitting on your lap.

Stay warm, and as always, you're welcome.

Careful What You Wish For

Here's a tip.

If you ever discover a genie, and by genie I mean the living in a bottle, riding a flying carpet, 3 wish granting with flowing robes kind of genie, get to know them first. Establish some kind of relationship before diving headlong into the whole "I grant you 3 wishes" portion of the friendship. I didn't and it has caused me no end of anguish.

My genie popped out of the bottle looking a little dogged-eared. Some would call him rustic...frankly he is just old. Ex-hunting hound lying around kind of old. And unpredictable. His first words were "It smells like cabbage". This should have tipped me, but it didn't. I was too greedy to get on with the wishes. My first wish was for a million dollars. Genie granted me a million Monopoly ones. Takes me the better part of 2 days to get through a game. "Boardwalk with a hotel is how much?! 1, 2, 3, etc.".

My second wish, seeing as the insta-rich option was gone, was for fame. I rationalized that I could parlay the fame into money. "I wish I was the most famous person in the world". To me it seemed obvious. To a genie that transformed me into a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden, it was not. Let me tell you, since the face lift it's been an absolute BITCH to make it through airport security in under 5 hours.

So now I'm sitting on an oh-fer-two and I thought long and hard then unleashed this airtight, masterstroke wish onto my unsuspecting granter. "I wish that whenever I make a wish it will come true". After I convinced my genie that he was not a Cocker Spaniel, he said he would have to return to the Genie High Council to get a ruling. I have been waiting for his return for some time.

Perhaps he has found a new soul to torture. Maybe he's cut a duet with Elton John. Maybe he's locked himself inside a ketchup bottle. I don't really care. I hope he never comes back. So to sum up, I will re-state. Get to know someone first and be careful what you wish for. It just might come true.

As always, you're welcome.