Be It Resolved

Well another year, and another decade comes to an end. I say good riddance. 2009 was not the best year in recorded history so I vote that we just take a mulligan and start fresh. One of the time-honoured traditions to ring in any new collection of 365 is to make a series of resolutions that, as the days tick by, are completely ignored. But say you are stumped. Nothing intriguing and/or challenging has popped into your nog-logged head cavity. What to do? Fear not, oh assembled masses, for I offer up my personal plan of attack for 2010 as inspiration. Be it resolved, in no particular order, that this humble scribe:

* Promises to cut off my elegant, but ultimately distracting to my readers, beard. Hold on a minute. The beard is the source of my Useless power. If I should shorn, then I would be rendered ordinary. Never mind. The beard stays. Maybe I'll just stop waxing the chest instead.

* I swear to the almighty that I will be way less grumpy to those around. I'll wear a sunshine for a smile every day. No more grey skies for me. (For those of you reading who are now doubled over in laughter, it is you that I dislike the most)

* Seeing as I am now physically starting to resemble a healthy pear, I will make every effort to lose those extra pounds. Effective immediately, I will not be wearing clothes. Anywhere. There. Problem solved.

* As it has become a really bothersome habit, especially during weddings and funerals, I resolve to completely stop swearing. Nothing but clean language and clean living. Yes sir. I feel better already....aw fuck it. Who am I kidding?

* I resolve to find Dora, that little animated loud-mouth, and badger her at all hours of the night until she cries. "Do what I said, Dora!! Do it now!! Why aren't you doing it?! Are you hard of hearing?! Do your parents hate you?! I said do it!! Do it or I'll tell everyone about your secret, because let's be honest, that monkey ain't distracting anyone!!" And don't even get me started on that Diego bastard. I'll get him in 2011.

* And lastly, I have been far too negligent to my community, and dare I say it, the entire planet as a whole. It's time for this guy to ante up for humanity, find a cause and support it with the vim and vigour reserved only for the bravest that have tread this orb we call earth. So from here on in, your looking at the latest member of the Men Loosely United In Support Of The Right For Those That Choose, On Occasion, To Completely Ignore The Contentious Words Spewed From Your Mouth Hole. (North American Chapter 2) Plenty of chairs available at meetings so don't be shy about joining in on the fun.

That is it from me. I'm going to get hallucinogenic of past due eggnog. Merry New Year everyone, and for the final time this year, it has been an honour to say You're Welcome.